Been a while...

Well it's been a while since I wrote on here, and even longer I thought since I missed Gillen. But to tell the truth I still miss him. I just don't think we had long enough together to actually figure out what we could be together. An attractive, sweet man, who finds me hot and fun is hard to find...Wish he'd come back...

Hmmm

Last night I went out with some of my friends, and I asked them all, including the boys, what they thought of the fact that while Ryan claimed to find me attractive, care about me, and think I'm a cool person, he didn't want to date me. And the unanimous verdict was that it was bullshit- that he couldn't possibly think all those things about me and not date me. Which means in their contention that at least one of the above things wasn't true. I don't know if thats any better or worse really...But the bottom line is that for whatever reason he doesn't have an interest, and its time for me to let go of him as a safety net, friend, and hopeful soulmate.

No restraint

It happened again, I checked the useless Facebook site. And of course I got to see a pic of the ex with some hot girls when he went on his road trip out to another college. He looks so happy in the pic, makes me wonder which of them he was out there to see...I just don't see a time when seeing him be happy with other girls will ever happen. Also, my ex-guy friend who sided with the ex has apparently gone and gotten himself a girlfriend, and is all happy mushy bullshit. I just want to scream. The whole breakup business sucks, especially when everyone else is moving on but you. Although in my imaginary pretend life apparently I have moved on, being that I told "Ryan" that I was seeing someone, just so he wouldn't think I was into him anymore. Maybe to make him jealous or more interested, or maybe just to look less pathetic. However, creating a fictional boyfriend is about the dumbest lamest thing ever. Fingers crossed the imaginary part of that evaporates soon.

Men are From Mars...

I think I've finally cracked the crucial difference between men and women. This is what women require to establish and then keep up a healthy relationship- (these are what is at the core, its essence if you will)- there is attraction, and there is caring about the person for all their inner stuff. Now most of you are probably thinking, well isn't that pretty much all there is anyway? Well, I would think so too, and I really do think that is all there is to it, but somewhere along the line men have come up with something extra- attraction and caring isn't enough. There has to be some unseen X-factor- which I am sure is different for every male. I started considering all this when my ex told me while we were breaking up that it was hard because he still cared about me, and he admitted to still being attracted to me. So, in my mind I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to be with me. How could he not feel anything if he still cared and found me attractive? And then that point was driven home when I pursued "Ryan" who also cares about me as a person, and finds me attractive, but has chosen instead another woman who lacks interest in him. I began to excuse these men for this, thinking well everyone has a type, and haven't I dismissed men for the same reason? And so I began to think about my many past experiences with men that I did not want to be with. And it turns out that it was not because of lacking some special x-factor- it was either that I was not attracted to them, or that I just didn't care about them. Now, I don't mean to say that objectively I couldn't recognize that some of these people I dismissed were attractive, that wasn't the point, the point was that I wasn't attracted and had no interest in making out or seeing them naked. Basically if I am attracted to a man, and I care about his personality then I would want to be in a relationship with him, absent any random extenuating circumstances- like him being married (although he would already be disqualified as I couldn't care about a cheater as a person).

These differences between men and women probably stem from the fact that for the most part every woman on this earth could have a happy relationship with any man, vegetable, or even houseplant if necessary. We can figure out how to make a relationship work with anyone if we want, it is just our nature to give more in this area. (Yes, I know there are exceptions to this rule, but they only prove the rule) We will stay in relationships without the extra X-factor, because we have a solid foundation to care for someone based on the other two components.

Now, understanding that there is this extra step for men has not made any of it any easier. In fact it is just as confusing as before. Because while I have identified that there is some extra X-factor guiding men's decisions there is no way to determine what that is, as it is different for every male. But, perhaps knowing this is a blessing, because at least we know what we are up against. Attraction and caring aren't enough ladies, there has to be something more for em. So set up shop and hunker down with some twizzlers and wait until the guy made for you finds your special X-factor

Wah wah wahh

Okay so I had intended to leave well enough alone with, lets call him "Ryan." But, I just couldn't do it, and  despite his telling me on multiple occasions that he is still in love with this girl who doesn't love him like that, I can't seem to let it go. That is probably because 1. I don't get his attraction to this girl, 2. I think that we would be a great fit, 3. Even if we wouldn't be, would it be such a horrible thing to just give it a shot??

Honestly I don't understand how someone who cares about me, and thinks I'm an awesome person, and is also attracted to me has no interest in dating me...baffles my mind. My stubborn nature is making me hang in there and try and get what I want, but I have no idea how, because of distance we don't see each other... And he can obviously live without me as he can go without contacting me for stretches of time. So what do I do?!? And yes this all seems rather pathetic, but I have no other prospects on the horizon and I am just head over heels for this guy that I've been friends with for a year. He knows exactly how I feel, which probably isn't a good thing...I want this one thing, after all the crap in the past few months, I will get it!

School

Right before this semester of law school started the break up occurred, then the roommate drama, the move, the loss of my job. During this entire time I have had a difficult time getting up each morning and keeping going, but along the way I completely dropped the ball on school. And unfortunately it is catching up to me. I am still reeling from the events of the past couple months, and sadly that meant that I just didn't give a crap about school or my grades. This is probably due to the fact that we only have finals and therefore the results of my giving up on school would not be shown until at least December. However, I do have a few classes that require actual work and give you actual grades and being that I do actually care about my grades if not classes the fact that I haven't been doing well in it has given me added stress. So the time has come for me to knuckle down and devote myself to schoolwork, but I still just don't want to do it. And when you are behind the task ahead is so daunting that starting out is such a chore. And I still don't feel as though my life has settled, I'm still emotionally wrought by the breakup and just missing out on being in a relationship. I need this semester and law school to work out, I just need it. Even if I don't end up doing law, I need to finish this or else all the stress school has caused would have been for naught. Getting out of the apartment worked out, so hopefully this will too, everyone pray for me!

New Place

I am now in my new apartment! Which is extremely exciting and different, although a lil scary! I have started decorating it, but without too much furniture it is still pretty empty. As much as I love this new step in my life, I am thinking that a dog would help bring it all together for me, so that I have companionship as well. I mean after all if I don't have another person to share my life with, might as well share it with a doggy that will love me no matter what! Anyway so far so good, I'm liking my new set up and hopefully in the weeks to come I will get more settled and hopefully have a lil fur ball to keep me company. I guess this is a new chapter in my life, I've been cleansed of the boyfriend, apartment, and job, so the apartment position has been filled just need the other two... Is it bad that even with all these steps forward I still want the ex back? Even though I'm starting to forget what being with him was like, except for the emptiness in my heart and the memories that remind me. Just being honest! Wish me luck with my new place, I hope there are lots of great memories created in it!!

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

It doesn't appear that this is going to be my year. Sooo I get dumped, forced out of my apartment, and now the cherry on top of this shit cake is that my position at work has been eliminated, aka I'm out of work now.  I really hope that there is a reason for all this, and that better things are yet to come, because right now I just can't see the good side...

Positives

It appears as the unthinkable is actually happening, my crazy bitch of a roommate has actually found someone to replace me so that I can move into my very own one bedroom apartment! I can't wait for that to occur, and I plan on getting a big dog to make the home even more homie and comfortable. Is this much needed thing a sign of better things yet to come? I can only hope that it is, while my roommate problems were a source of my problems, it was more of a magnification of those problems, so I will be taking away the symptoms but not the cause. Can I get a lil rebound action to help me heal come now!

My ego is still bruised by being tossed aside so quickly and randomly by class boy. What was that about?!?  I'll probably never know unless I ask...but I don't think I want to know that bad, haha! Tonight we would have class together if I was actually going, but I have to finish up this paper. If he contacts me upon my absence in class then maybe he still has some interest, but I won't hold my breath! So disappointed in men these days...yet my hope never waivers, maybe that's a naive thing or a good thing, still yet to be determined...

My Dream Occupation/Calling

Until I pay off my student loans, or at least cut a chunk into them I have to stick with this whole lawyer business. However, it is my dream to be able to start my own animal shelter or foster home for dogs. Though this situation will provide a convenient loophole for my cat lady/dog lady ways, it's more than that to me. I want to be able to do something that helps out, that gives back to the world. And obviously there are a great deal of worthy causes and organizations out there that would profit from my help, so why choose this specific venue? Well because first off I think I could actually do it, and enjoy it, plus animals provide unconditional love. Helping animals is a way of improving human life if you think about it. It is my commitment here that I will someday own a large piece of property where dogs can roam free, and people can come adopt the animals if they want, but if not the animals will always have a home with me.

So until I actually have the time and resources to complete this particular dream, perhaps you can help me at least make the lives of some animals more bearable today, please go to the link below and sign the petition against animal cruelty, it takes two seconds but can make a real difference. Also like Bob Barker says- spay and neuter your animals! And if you can get your pets from a rescue site, foster a dog, donate time or money. Or if you have another passion that will help the world, dedicate yourself to it, it'll make you happier, promise!

https://secure3.convio.net/nsala/site/SPageNavigator/Pledges/endanimalcruelty_honey

Excuses

Class boy finally e-mailed me back today, with a "So sorry I've been MIA I've been busy and then other stuff came up." Can we say weak sauce?? My question is, is that a legitimate excuse? Because I feel that it is not. Everyone gets busy, the beauty of text is it takes 2 seconds. I therefore know if he had wanted to he could have gotten back in touch. My question is if the ignoring before was a blow off why contact now? I'm not sure what to do with it, and I'm just interested to see if he keeps in contact in the future. My guess would be no...

I understand the art of blowing off, I have been blown off plenty of times and have done my fair share of it before. My rule for it is this: do not contact at ALL! And to be fair I only blow off after like one date, that is fair game, anything later deserves a bit more care. For instance, my ex wouldn't be leading me on if he had casual convos with me sometimes. Not hearing from someone ever after the actual breakup is just...dumb.

To sum up, new boy is blowing me off (maybe?) and old boy is refusing contact, and here I am stuck in the middle with you!

E-Stalking...

I prefer avoidance to knowledge in some areas, for instance as soon as my ex and I broke up I deactivated my facebook account promptly after removing all pictures of him and him as a friend. I figured that way even if I rejoined sometime I wouldn't have to deal with it later. Today I was weak and decided to sign into facebook, and though I cannot see his profile, I did look through my older wall posts and found him on my wall...saying that he missed me...and though it was from long ago it hurt my heart, and that I was able to see that his new facebook picture didn't include me. I still keep hoping that this was all a bad dream, and the past month or so will get washed away so that I can resume my happy, lucky life.

Though its probably counter-intuitive I can't help but think how easy it was for me to show him who I truly was...not have to cover up my embarrassments or downfalls. Even though this guy from class probably will never get back in touch with me, I know that I wouldn't feel comfy for a long time telling him such personal information, and I doubt that his reaction would be the same as my ex. I know that no one agrees with me, and thinks he's a bad guy, but there was a connection there. Everyone send good vibes my way so that he comes back and continues being the guy that I first met and fell in love with. It's so sad that I can remember all the times we would joke around and laugh hysterically and be silly and realize that toward the end there just wasn't any of that...And I wonder where it went...such a physical hurt it creates. No one likes to think about it, but we are all one bad break up away from that hurt. And it doesn't dissipate easily, nor can someone else make it easy to forget, nor is it easy to even find someone for a while that you want to help you forget. I've gone through this before and it takes a lot out of you...I'm just tired of dealing and being a stronger person. And in my weakness I just keep trying to reach out to him, to make him see the error of his ways, to get him to at least talk to me. I'm ready for my happiness and everything to start going my way! I'm willing my happiness and love toward me, and as stubborn as I am, I know that it will come. And THAT is the end of THAT!

Paper Writing is a Drag...

Sooo one of the consuming thoughts of my weekend has been, how on earth am I going to write this entire paper by Tuesday night, when I have to work on Monday and I have class on Tuesday?? The real answer is that while I don't know at the moment how it will get done, I know it will, cause it always does. However, that has not as of yet stilled the anxiety and the clenching in the pit of my stomach. Furthermore, it doesn't help that I have as of yet not heard at all from boy from class... And to make matters worse I e-mailed him to ask him a question about the paper because I don't know anyone else in the class who I could ask. Honestly, I do have a legit question about the paper, but I also want to see if he would at least respond to that or if he is really and truly ignoring me. The whole problem with that is how much time must pass before an appropriate response? I sent the email something like 25 minutes ago...should I have received a response by now? Or is it more likely that I will not be receiving a response at all? I'm of the thinking that I will not receive one at all, but will welcome being proved wrong! Plus I really do need some help on this paper...Anyone know anything about search and seizures?

Is something stamped on my forehead?

Well there appears to be a trend going on in my life, and unfortunately it's not a very good one...First I will have to give some background on this issue before jumping into my sad trend...

I switched seats in one of my law classes and sat next to a guy I had never met before, and we started chatting which progressed to gchatting. Then I invited him to come over to hang out after class last night, but he said that he had to work until 10 or 11. I sent him my phone number and told him to call after he got done. Well needless to say 11 o'clock came and went with no phone call, text, e-mail or g-chat from him. I figured that at least when I woke up this morning there would be an e-mail explaining that he had gotten off too late or some other b.s., but nope no contact as of today either. Before my friends could stop me I sent him an e-mail this morning asking what had happened to him. That e-mail has as of yet gone unanswered, and I know that it goes directly to his Blackberry...just saying.

The trend that I am therefore picking up is that I am getting stood up rather a lot lately. First by my ex boyfriend at pretty much every turn and now by some random guy who seemed more into it than me. I mean I hadn't even decided if I was interested and apparently it has been decided for me. And honestly should I even want to be in contact with this guy if after the very first time he can't contact me? Cause then I will be repeating the trend of dating the guy who stands me up... I dunno, I will keep you apprised of any updates, but in the meantime, guys can suck it!

Online Dating

Dear Boys of Online Dating,

I have some tips for you.

1. NO pictures with girls. Period. I don't care if its your best friend ever, your sister, whoever. We don't know who she is, ergo we take a pass on you. I mean if you already have some girl hanging on you why do you need to be online dating?

2. We assume your pic is the best pic there is of you, sooo take that into account.

3. Cater your profile somewhat to what you  might have in common with a girl. All boys like sports, war, and history, you do not need to share that. Instead talk about the comedy movies you like or other hobbies that you could share. It's fine to have those interests, but do you want to hear about our love of purses and shopping?

Yeah so though I haven't committed actual money to online dating as of yet, I will say that I am greatly disenchanted. There doesn't seem to be many guys who I would ever consider dating. I guess it is true that if you can't date in person then you have to take to the online "streets." I just figured this would be easier and maybe fun. Being that I'm not really ready to date seriously yet I am fine just surfing around and doing the free trials. I don't think that online dating is for me, but then again real life dating hasn't worked too well either.

XXOO

Your Heartbroken One

My new mac

A little while ago I bought a new Mac laptop, which is my first Mac ever. I was always a PC person because I was used to it, and I knew all the lil secrets and tricks to fix things and what not. My ex however, was a Mac person who thought that they were the obvious choice, and we would always have little jokes back and forth when I would have problems with my PC, and he would joke about it and say I need a Mac. Well after the breakup my computer died and for many reasons I decided that it was time to go for the new choice and get a Mac. And I love this computer, its great and I think I made the right choice. However, its so weird to have it and not be able to tell him about it. And I know that he would be able to show me how to do great stuff with it, and he would be so excited to try it out. I want to tell him that he was right about the Mac, and right about so much else. Even after the breakup its like we have this Mac connection now that he doesn't know about. I guess for a while everything will somehow relate to him, but this time it is legitimate. Though I love my new MacBook I would take him over it any day.

As the dust settles

Well the meeting came and went last night. Despite bringing a friend to witness, my roomate still went off the deep end, calling me names and being unreasonable. It was hard to stay calm but worth it to not stoop to her level. She refused to take any amount of money to leave so I have finally agreed to go. It is not ideal but not living with her will be a welcome relief. Finding a new place is proving difficult and expensive...Oh well!

Now that I am going to be done with the biotch, all I need is my ex to talk to me again and get back together...I've really missed and needed him during this hard time, and it hurts that despite telling him of my rough time he wouldn't respond...I guess my hope isn't dead yet, so I continue to miss him and hope for the best. Somehow I feel that if I can just keep the light shining that he will find his way back home. Keep me in your prayers and I'll do the same!

Positive Things to Come...

Though my breakup still dominates my thoughts, the reason for that is due to another problem that I have been having, which is a psychotic roomate. I could enthrall readers for days with the crazy e-mails that she sends to me, and my calm replies that just send her off more, but that is probably for another day or another blog. My roomate says such hateful things to me via e-mail that she has made me uncomfortable in my own home, and as such she is attempting to bully me out. Tonight after only a month of living together my roomate and I will discuss who will be moving out. I am very nervous and worried about the whole affair and just want it to be done, I don't even want to see her. Reasoning with her is not possible due to her obvious instability. I wish that I were exagerating... Hopefully my stance that I will not leave so that she must go will work, but if not then I will have to uproot and find a new apartment. Though that is not ideal, any way that I can get out of that situation will be for the better. So everyone keep me in their best wishes and prayers and hope that good will triumph over evil and I can go back to the tending of my broken heart. Everyone say it with me - OUT OUT VILE WHORE!!!!

When all else fails...

So what do you do when everything falls down around you? It's bad enough that your heart is broken, but in conjunction with that everything else goes to crap too. In my case I was trying to deal with the whole being dumped situation, the loss of my boy back up, and the general stress of law school and work. But then of course life doesn't care what your plans are, or what you're already dealing with. No, the next huge problem was that my current roomate decided that she no longer wanted to live with me and decided to make my life hell. She has been personally attacking me and now I must either find a new roomate or a new place. Which I just don't have the time for. And in the meantime I have to live with someone who makes my life uncomfortable and has done what she can to belittle me while ignoring that she in fact has some sort of mental instability. I guess this is the story of my life. They say if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger, well I'm not dead, but I'm still not feeling strong enough for this. Hopefully I will come through with flying colors, and in the end I won't be living with bitch-mcgee anymore so there will be an upside. But in the meantime I need as much support and well wishes as I can get!!

Nightmares...

Typically I can't wait to get to sleep at night where I can escape the drama of my actual life. Normally dreams let me live out fantasies and let me do things I could never do when I wake. However, last night I had a dream that contained my worst fears. The dream entailed me talking on the phone to my ex where he went on and on about how he had dated his Mom's friend for a year and how incredible she was etc. etc. From that dream I was able to segue into a real life nightmare where I began to think of my dear sweet boy with other women. Specifically his Mom's friend, "Arianna." You see his mother is actually friends with a much younger girl who is very attractive, and would accompany his family on Mother's Day events and yard sales, and basically anything that his mom was doing. My ex even went to dinner with his Mom, her boyfriend, and Arianna- making it look like I'm sure the perfect double date. So now I am riddled with worry that they are together and I have images that won't go away. Even if he isn't with her specifically, now all I can think about is MY man with someone else- being happy with someone other than me. It makes me sick to think about it and my heart is racing a mile a minute. Yet I can't get the thought out of my brain. So here's to hoping that my ex is single, and is secretly pining away for me and will come to his senses sooner rather than later.

The Lucky Few

Though breakups and heartbreak tends to be a universal concept, there are some people I know who remain unscathed- couples who have been together forever and have never dated anyone else. The small part of me wonders why they got this free pass, while part of me understands that every avenue in life comes with its own challenges. I even am jealous of my few friends who have just never dated or fell in love at all yet, because they don't know what they are missing and can just enjoy their lives because it is the norm. Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all obviously was never dumped by their love.

Backtracking

Well nobody said breakups were easy. And they also never said that dealing with a breakup while going to law school, working and living in an area without family or close friends was easy either. Now that all my personal distractions are gone I have backtracked some from my sunny outlook on my future. The weather is getting cooler and Fall tends to be my favorite, but knowing that I will be spending it alone has started breaking me down again. So many things I would have liked to do this fall and winter together, and frankly those things just aren't as fun without someone there to marvel with you. And conveniently I keep seeing things that remind me of him- Punkin Ale is coming out by Dogfish Head Beer which he was looking forward to, they are selling t-shirts by a little known artist that he loved at Pac Sun, even the Lol cats conspired against me by referencing the Blues Brothers- one of his favorite movies of all time. And if I'm honest I forwarded these things onto him by e-mail. I know these are things that interest him and its hard to unlearn that- I still want to make him happy and keep him entertained even if that's not what he wants. Yes some part of me does wish that he will get these forwards of things that I remember of him and he will think I'm such a caring thoughtful person that he made a huge mistake. Though I believe we are past that point. I feel pathetic, yet sad all at once. I have become the sort of person that no one can understand, why is it so hard for you to move on? The truthful answer is I don't know, he was horrible in the last month, and being with someone who doesn't want to be with you is madness. But sometimes madness feels like its better than the alternative.

Flying with no Net

After the breakup I was able to get by because there was this hope that we would get back together. Then once the hope died I got by because I had a few guys that I wasn't dating, but kept my interests elsewhere. But now I have decided to eschew the dysfunction and go it completely alone. Sure I could have held onto the hope that something would change in that relationship. And it did hurt to cut all contact with him, because after being dumped he became my new safety net. Yet, I know that I can't get from that relationship what I wanted, so it's time for me to do the hard thing and go things completely alone. Let myself heal from my multiple scars and just enjoy myself. I know that what I want more than anything else is to end up with someone, but I guess right now isn't the right time. Within 3 weeks I have been denied by three different men...wonder if thats some kind of record haha If I can go through all this then so can you. And I have you to watch me to make sure that I don't go back on my promise to end contact with these guys- no matter how hard that is.

Moving On...

One of the realities of life is that to move on from one thing it helps to have something else to go to. Thats why I thought it was perfect that after 3 weeks of being single I was going to meet up for dinner and a movie with a single guy. Let me clarify that this "single guy" was also my ex-boyfriend's former roommate. Because there is the "former" in there they rarely talk. So it definitely wasn't to get back at the ex or make him jealous, though that is a nice bonus. I was all excited to be getting back into the game with a fun, attractive, smart guy. Ohhh how wrong I was. It turns out that it was not a date, and was incredibly awkward. I'm not sure what exactly went on, or what his whole purpose of meeting up with me was, but it definitely was not for any romantic purpose. This loss of possibility hit me like a ton of bricks. Because I had this "date" to look forward to I was able to get myself out of my hole and stop thinking as much about the ex. Being slammed back to reality made me miss the ex as I realized just how hard it is to meet someone who likes you for you. (although obviously the ex no longer feels that way).  It also doesn't help that the one other guy that I have an interest in, is in love with some other girl, that he is kind of dating. Most likely that will end in some sort of embarrassment for me. However, I keep talking with him because if that drops out then I won't have a crush on anyone, and no guys to chat with. And then the loneliness will really rear its ugly head. The moral of this story is that getting a date, or finding an interest in a new guy is only half the battle. I still have a long road ahead to perfectly okay...

You're not alone...

I've decided that as much fun as my own personal heartbreak is, it's time for me and everyone else to see that they're not alone. That is why I will be bringing to you a different true story of heartbreak every week. The names will be changed to protect the innocent, but hopefully you will still get the message that these experiences are natural and unfortunately typical.

1. Tara
Tara is one of my best friends for many years now, and we met in college. When we met she was dating her high school sweetheart, and they had been together for about 4 years. "Simon" had even transferred to the college that Tara was attending. Simon was a few years older, but just as much in love with Tara as he could be. I thought that they were the perfect couple and would be together forever. They had even discussed how he would give her his grandmother's wedding ring, and how many kids they would have. The two of them were attached like peanut butter and jelly, which was alright with the rest of us because we loved them both. In fact they were so much alike they even began to resemble each other. Unfortunately their bliss would not last forever. One day Simon stated that he was working on a project with Rita. Tara at first was a little jealous, but both Simon and I informed her that Rita was terribly unattractive. You see I was actually friends with Rita, and though I thought she was a nice person, she also had greasy hair, didn't shave under her arms, had a bit of a stache and frankly was just unattractive across the board. So to conceive that anything would happen between Simon and Rita seemed preposterous. Tara was gorgeous and Simon was the star football player from high school, so the idea that Simon might be interested in Rita made no sense. As time went on Simon began to spend more time with Rita, and Tara began to get increasingly jealous. It even got to the point where Tara had Simon tell Rita that he couldn't spend time with her anymore. However, one day Tara had a suspicion that Simon was in Rita's room, and concocted a plan where we would go over and confront him. So, without any warning we walked into Rita's room and found them laying in bed together (fully clothed). Tara went running out and Simon charged after her, and they spent some quality time talking and discussing while Tara cried profusely. It turns out that Simon's feelings for Rita were not platonic at all, and he did want to start dating her. Which he promptly began to do. Tara was devastated. To lose her boyfriend and love of that many years, and to lose him to someone that no one, save Simon, found attractive really hurt. It took her a little while to get over him, but we rallied around her while she cried and made sure that we hid or got rid of anything he gave her. It is many years later now and she is happy and living with her boyfriend of several years, and Simon is a distant memory in the past. But, lessons can still be learned from the situation which are these: not even the most perfect appearing couples are as perfect as they seem, and even the most "unattractive" girl can help break your heart.

Those hidden items...

So last blog I let out my frustration about my newly dumped state. This post will concentrate on the horrors that arise post breakup- namely finding items from the other person long after the post-breakup purge. I know that as soon as the dumping occurred one of the first things I rushed to take care of was getting rid of any and everything that reminded me of him. Which quite honestly was a lot- so I tried to minimize the purging to only things given to me from him, and things of his that I had in my possession. I said goodbye to my Brookstone bear "Snuggs," and a great deal of comfy tees that I had slowly borrowed from him over time, and the photos of us in happier times. I even had to change my sheets because I just couldn't bare to lay in the same sheets without him. Yes, this all sounds a little kooky, but everyone has a post breakup process. Unfortunately there are always those items and things that are hidden and lie in wait for just the right opportunity to bring your world down around your ears. For instance, there are the love letters that had been stashed away in my drawer, which I assume I will discover at some point in the future to ruin my day. Now that we are in the electronic age the g-mail account tends to be the culprit of hiding items and then springing them upon you. Being that my ex and I were in a long distance relationship there were a large number of e-mails and gchats between the two of us. I was dilligent and deleted all the messages from my inbox, but unfortunately the records of the chats remain, so while searching for an e-mail from a friend I stumbled upon a very long chat many months before, that broke my heart. From reading our fun and romantic chat it is hard to understand how we ended up where we are today. But nonetheless here I am, waiting until all the hidden things come to light, and until a time when I'm okay with all of this.

Let me clear my throat...

Sooo recently I've been going through something that is pretty universal, and that is heartbreak. Apparently my ex-boyfriend decided one day that he no longer "felt anything" for me, but instead of telling me, or talking it through, or even communicating anything to me, he just witheld that information for days, stood me up, and then informed me when I went to his house. Being told by the one person that you care for the most that they no longer care for you at all is extremely hurtful, and heartbreaking in and of itself. But it is even more painful, being that there is no true way to understand just what he meant. What exactly are you supposed to "feel"? And eventually doesn't that "feeling" go away at some point anyway? Things are not always hot and heavy, passion dies down. It's awfully pressuring to assume that one person is going to make you feel extreme love on a daily basis.
So, no I don't understand what he meant. And maybe it was just an excuse so he wouldn't hurt me more with the real reason. Either way it won't change the inevitable, which is that my once mutual love now goes unrequited. And not only that, but he won't even talk to me. Won't return my one e-mail or text. Now maybe everyone is assuming that I am in fact a crazy bitch and that my ex is lucky to have gotten out when he did. But I assure you that is not the case. I was perfectly normal before this, well as normal as any law student could be. I had a job, pursuing an advanced career, great apartment, with the great boyfriend to match. Everything was going well for me. Until that one fateful day, when a short conversation turned everything upside down. Now I wonder what I could have changed or done differently, and what could I do now to change his mind- which is truthfully nothing I'm sure. And I have to depress my friends, or conversely try to hide my feelings so as not to depress my friends. And for that effort I get the following useless advice that everyone hears:
1. Time heals all wounds- yes this is true for the most part, but not entirely helpful at the moment
2. Would you really want to be with someone who treats you like that or with someone who doesn't want to be with you? And the answer to this question invariably is: YES! which is clearly why I'm so upset by the situation. Because 1. no one else was in the relationship but me, you saw the bad points while I was there through every touch, kiss, and kind word. 2. Come on, like your relationship is that perfect? (I know for certain that it's not ;)
3. Well I mean he was too (insert whatever problem your ex suffered from which should have obviously red flagged the whole relationship from the beginning). And mine that I get from my friends is that well obviously he was too young (2 years younger than me) and sooo immature because of it. PLUS and this is what they all like to throw in so knowledgeably is - it WAS long distance. Congratulations, you have singled handedly solved my heartache and made me realize that I should only date within my zipcode AND age.
4. You're still young, you'll meet someone else. Well that's not the point is it?? I wanted THIS person, not someone else. And while statistically it is true that only 3% of people never marry (this is from a few years ago, based on US census reports), that means there are 3% of people who are alone throughout their lives. Who never meet the person they want to end up with. And who is to say that I'm not one of the 3%? Someone has to be. I mean truly finding someone who doesn't mind seeing me without my makeup on every morning for the rest of their lives would be quite rare. Men aren't like they once were, where they stick around no matter what size your butt gets.

And yes I have thrown these gems out to friends in pain and agony from breakups. And I tried to help them see what they did still have going for them. And once this experience is over and "time has healed my wounds" I'm sure that I will forget just how hard it is to get over someone you loved. However, at the moment my heart is still broken, and probably will be for a while. I will still think of him whenever I go to bed, or when the Redskins come on, or when I see an old red Nissan truck. And my heart will crumple with every passing day when that Nissan owner doesn't respond to my one hearfelt e-mail, or one text telling him that I missed him. Because he's not somewhere out there writing the male version of this blog. My guess is that for the near future my blog will significantly center around this topic, as I pour my heart out to the faceless masses (or fan) hoping that somehow this will be the catharsis that I need. So thanks for listening, and if you have a similar experience please share it.

Welcome!

Welcome! Okay so I am new to this alleged "blogging" game. Butttt as a law student clearly I have loads of free time on my hands, so I'm going to try and figure it out. We'll see how this all goes, wish me luck!