Men are From Mars...

I think I've finally cracked the crucial difference between men and women. This is what women require to establish and then keep up a healthy relationship- (these are what is at the core, its essence if you will)- there is attraction, and there is caring about the person for all their inner stuff. Now most of you are probably thinking, well isn't that pretty much all there is anyway? Well, I would think so too, and I really do think that is all there is to it, but somewhere along the line men have come up with something extra- attraction and caring isn't enough. There has to be some unseen X-factor- which I am sure is different for every male. I started considering all this when my ex told me while we were breaking up that it was hard because he still cared about me, and he admitted to still being attracted to me. So, in my mind I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to be with me. How could he not feel anything if he still cared and found me attractive? And then that point was driven home when I pursued "Ryan" who also cares about me as a person, and finds me attractive, but has chosen instead another woman who lacks interest in him. I began to excuse these men for this, thinking well everyone has a type, and haven't I dismissed men for the same reason? And so I began to think about my many past experiences with men that I did not want to be with. And it turns out that it was not because of lacking some special x-factor- it was either that I was not attracted to them, or that I just didn't care about them. Now, I don't mean to say that objectively I couldn't recognize that some of these people I dismissed were attractive, that wasn't the point, the point was that I wasn't attracted and had no interest in making out or seeing them naked. Basically if I am attracted to a man, and I care about his personality then I would want to be in a relationship with him, absent any random extenuating circumstances- like him being married (although he would already be disqualified as I couldn't care about a cheater as a person).

These differences between men and women probably stem from the fact that for the most part every woman on this earth could have a happy relationship with any man, vegetable, or even houseplant if necessary. We can figure out how to make a relationship work with anyone if we want, it is just our nature to give more in this area. (Yes, I know there are exceptions to this rule, but they only prove the rule) We will stay in relationships without the extra X-factor, because we have a solid foundation to care for someone based on the other two components.

Now, understanding that there is this extra step for men has not made any of it any easier. In fact it is just as confusing as before. Because while I have identified that there is some extra X-factor guiding men's decisions there is no way to determine what that is, as it is different for every male. But, perhaps knowing this is a blessing, because at least we know what we are up against. Attraction and caring aren't enough ladies, there has to be something more for em. So set up shop and hunker down with some twizzlers and wait until the guy made for you finds your special X-factor

Wah wah wahh

Okay so I had intended to leave well enough alone with, lets call him "Ryan." But, I just couldn't do it, and  despite his telling me on multiple occasions that he is still in love with this girl who doesn't love him like that, I can't seem to let it go. That is probably because 1. I don't get his attraction to this girl, 2. I think that we would be a great fit, 3. Even if we wouldn't be, would it be such a horrible thing to just give it a shot??

Honestly I don't understand how someone who cares about me, and thinks I'm an awesome person, and is also attracted to me has no interest in dating me...baffles my mind. My stubborn nature is making me hang in there and try and get what I want, but I have no idea how, because of distance we don't see each other... And he can obviously live without me as he can go without contacting me for stretches of time. So what do I do?!? And yes this all seems rather pathetic, but I have no other prospects on the horizon and I am just head over heels for this guy that I've been friends with for a year. He knows exactly how I feel, which probably isn't a good thing...I want this one thing, after all the crap in the past few months, I will get it!

School

Right before this semester of law school started the break up occurred, then the roommate drama, the move, the loss of my job. During this entire time I have had a difficult time getting up each morning and keeping going, but along the way I completely dropped the ball on school. And unfortunately it is catching up to me. I am still reeling from the events of the past couple months, and sadly that meant that I just didn't give a crap about school or my grades. This is probably due to the fact that we only have finals and therefore the results of my giving up on school would not be shown until at least December. However, I do have a few classes that require actual work and give you actual grades and being that I do actually care about my grades if not classes the fact that I haven't been doing well in it has given me added stress. So the time has come for me to knuckle down and devote myself to schoolwork, but I still just don't want to do it. And when you are behind the task ahead is so daunting that starting out is such a chore. And I still don't feel as though my life has settled, I'm still emotionally wrought by the breakup and just missing out on being in a relationship. I need this semester and law school to work out, I just need it. Even if I don't end up doing law, I need to finish this or else all the stress school has caused would have been for naught. Getting out of the apartment worked out, so hopefully this will too, everyone pray for me!

New Place

I am now in my new apartment! Which is extremely exciting and different, although a lil scary! I have started decorating it, but without too much furniture it is still pretty empty. As much as I love this new step in my life, I am thinking that a dog would help bring it all together for me, so that I have companionship as well. I mean after all if I don't have another person to share my life with, might as well share it with a doggy that will love me no matter what! Anyway so far so good, I'm liking my new set up and hopefully in the weeks to come I will get more settled and hopefully have a lil fur ball to keep me company. I guess this is a new chapter in my life, I've been cleansed of the boyfriend, apartment, and job, so the apartment position has been filled just need the other two... Is it bad that even with all these steps forward I still want the ex back? Even though I'm starting to forget what being with him was like, except for the emptiness in my heart and the memories that remind me. Just being honest! Wish me luck with my new place, I hope there are lots of great memories created in it!!

You Have Got to Be Kidding Me

It doesn't appear that this is going to be my year. Sooo I get dumped, forced out of my apartment, and now the cherry on top of this shit cake is that my position at work has been eliminated, aka I'm out of work now.  I really hope that there is a reason for all this, and that better things are yet to come, because right now I just can't see the good side...