Dwelling?

Okay so I stopped writing on this because I thought that maybe it was more of a hindrance than a help. That I was dwelling on the bad, and should just move on with the good. And yet here we are 5 months later having a crisis over the same dude...oy!

I accidentally stumbled upon his password to his e-mail and social networking site...yeah my b! Anddd of course I logged in, because lets be real everyone would, don't lie. Found out that his new gf and him had split up and I think she dumped him- and get this he wanted to meet up with her for closure...HA the same dude who never responded or contacted me back after he dumped me felt he deserved closure, what a crock of horse shit. And see that is the thing- this info has me vacillating between missing him and wanting to contact him and feeling like absolute shit because he doesn't want me and did all those horrible things in the end. And I feel like a moron for all the contact I made to him that went unanswered. I want to move on, and I have...to an extent, I just need to find someone to make that moving on more...permanent

Been a while...

Well it's been a while since I wrote on here, and even longer I thought since I missed Gillen. But to tell the truth I still miss him. I just don't think we had long enough together to actually figure out what we could be together. An attractive, sweet man, who finds me hot and fun is hard to find...Wish he'd come back...

Hmmm

Last night I went out with some of my friends, and I asked them all, including the boys, what they thought of the fact that while Ryan claimed to find me attractive, care about me, and think I'm a cool person, he didn't want to date me. And the unanimous verdict was that it was bullshit- that he couldn't possibly think all those things about me and not date me. Which means in their contention that at least one of the above things wasn't true. I don't know if thats any better or worse really...But the bottom line is that for whatever reason he doesn't have an interest, and its time for me to let go of him as a safety net, friend, and hopeful soulmate.

No restraint

It happened again, I checked the useless Facebook site. And of course I got to see a pic of the ex with some hot girls when he went on his road trip out to another college. He looks so happy in the pic, makes me wonder which of them he was out there to see...I just don't see a time when seeing him be happy with other girls will ever happen. Also, my ex-guy friend who sided with the ex has apparently gone and gotten himself a girlfriend, and is all happy mushy bullshit. I just want to scream. The whole breakup business sucks, especially when everyone else is moving on but you. Although in my imaginary pretend life apparently I have moved on, being that I told "Ryan" that I was seeing someone, just so he wouldn't think I was into him anymore. Maybe to make him jealous or more interested, or maybe just to look less pathetic. However, creating a fictional boyfriend is about the dumbest lamest thing ever. Fingers crossed the imaginary part of that evaporates soon.

Men are From Mars...

I think I've finally cracked the crucial difference between men and women. This is what women require to establish and then keep up a healthy relationship- (these are what is at the core, its essence if you will)- there is attraction, and there is caring about the person for all their inner stuff. Now most of you are probably thinking, well isn't that pretty much all there is anyway? Well, I would think so too, and I really do think that is all there is to it, but somewhere along the line men have come up with something extra- attraction and caring isn't enough. There has to be some unseen X-factor- which I am sure is different for every male. I started considering all this when my ex told me while we were breaking up that it was hard because he still cared about me, and he admitted to still being attracted to me. So, in my mind I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to be with me. How could he not feel anything if he still cared and found me attractive? And then that point was driven home when I pursued "Ryan" who also cares about me as a person, and finds me attractive, but has chosen instead another woman who lacks interest in him. I began to excuse these men for this, thinking well everyone has a type, and haven't I dismissed men for the same reason? And so I began to think about my many past experiences with men that I did not want to be with. And it turns out that it was not because of lacking some special x-factor- it was either that I was not attracted to them, or that I just didn't care about them. Now, I don't mean to say that objectively I couldn't recognize that some of these people I dismissed were attractive, that wasn't the point, the point was that I wasn't attracted and had no interest in making out or seeing them naked. Basically if I am attracted to a man, and I care about his personality then I would want to be in a relationship with him, absent any random extenuating circumstances- like him being married (although he would already be disqualified as I couldn't care about a cheater as a person).

These differences between men and women probably stem from the fact that for the most part every woman on this earth could have a happy relationship with any man, vegetable, or even houseplant if necessary. We can figure out how to make a relationship work with anyone if we want, it is just our nature to give more in this area. (Yes, I know there are exceptions to this rule, but they only prove the rule) We will stay in relationships without the extra X-factor, because we have a solid foundation to care for someone based on the other two components.

Now, understanding that there is this extra step for men has not made any of it any easier. In fact it is just as confusing as before. Because while I have identified that there is some extra X-factor guiding men's decisions there is no way to determine what that is, as it is different for every male. But, perhaps knowing this is a blessing, because at least we know what we are up against. Attraction and caring aren't enough ladies, there has to be something more for em. So set up shop and hunker down with some twizzlers and wait until the guy made for you finds your special X-factor

Wah wah wahh

Okay so I had intended to leave well enough alone with, lets call him "Ryan." But, I just couldn't do it, and  despite his telling me on multiple occasions that he is still in love with this girl who doesn't love him like that, I can't seem to let it go. That is probably because 1. I don't get his attraction to this girl, 2. I think that we would be a great fit, 3. Even if we wouldn't be, would it be such a horrible thing to just give it a shot??

Honestly I don't understand how someone who cares about me, and thinks I'm an awesome person, and is also attracted to me has no interest in dating me...baffles my mind. My stubborn nature is making me hang in there and try and get what I want, but I have no idea how, because of distance we don't see each other... And he can obviously live without me as he can go without contacting me for stretches of time. So what do I do?!? And yes this all seems rather pathetic, but I have no other prospects on the horizon and I am just head over heels for this guy that I've been friends with for a year. He knows exactly how I feel, which probably isn't a good thing...I want this one thing, after all the crap in the past few months, I will get it!

School

Right before this semester of law school started the break up occurred, then the roommate drama, the move, the loss of my job. During this entire time I have had a difficult time getting up each morning and keeping going, but along the way I completely dropped the ball on school. And unfortunately it is catching up to me. I am still reeling from the events of the past couple months, and sadly that meant that I just didn't give a crap about school or my grades. This is probably due to the fact that we only have finals and therefore the results of my giving up on school would not be shown until at least December. However, I do have a few classes that require actual work and give you actual grades and being that I do actually care about my grades if not classes the fact that I haven't been doing well in it has given me added stress. So the time has come for me to knuckle down and devote myself to schoolwork, but I still just don't want to do it. And when you are behind the task ahead is so daunting that starting out is such a chore. And I still don't feel as though my life has settled, I'm still emotionally wrought by the breakup and just missing out on being in a relationship. I need this semester and law school to work out, I just need it. Even if I don't end up doing law, I need to finish this or else all the stress school has caused would have been for naught. Getting out of the apartment worked out, so hopefully this will too, everyone pray for me!