Positives

It appears as the unthinkable is actually happening, my crazy bitch of a roommate has actually found someone to replace me so that I can move into my very own one bedroom apartment! I can't wait for that to occur, and I plan on getting a big dog to make the home even more homie and comfortable. Is this much needed thing a sign of better things yet to come? I can only hope that it is, while my roommate problems were a source of my problems, it was more of a magnification of those problems, so I will be taking away the symptoms but not the cause. Can I get a lil rebound action to help me heal come now!

My ego is still bruised by being tossed aside so quickly and randomly by class boy. What was that about?!?  I'll probably never know unless I ask...but I don't think I want to know that bad, haha! Tonight we would have class together if I was actually going, but I have to finish up this paper. If he contacts me upon my absence in class then maybe he still has some interest, but I won't hold my breath! So disappointed in men these days...yet my hope never waivers, maybe that's a naive thing or a good thing, still yet to be determined...

My Dream Occupation/Calling

Until I pay off my student loans, or at least cut a chunk into them I have to stick with this whole lawyer business. However, it is my dream to be able to start my own animal shelter or foster home for dogs. Though this situation will provide a convenient loophole for my cat lady/dog lady ways, it's more than that to me. I want to be able to do something that helps out, that gives back to the world. And obviously there are a great deal of worthy causes and organizations out there that would profit from my help, so why choose this specific venue? Well because first off I think I could actually do it, and enjoy it, plus animals provide unconditional love. Helping animals is a way of improving human life if you think about it. It is my commitment here that I will someday own a large piece of property where dogs can roam free, and people can come adopt the animals if they want, but if not the animals will always have a home with me.

So until I actually have the time and resources to complete this particular dream, perhaps you can help me at least make the lives of some animals more bearable today, please go to the link below and sign the petition against animal cruelty, it takes two seconds but can make a real difference. Also like Bob Barker says- spay and neuter your animals! And if you can get your pets from a rescue site, foster a dog, donate time or money. Or if you have another passion that will help the world, dedicate yourself to it, it'll make you happier, promise!

https://secure3.convio.net/nsala/site/SPageNavigator/Pledges/endanimalcruelty_honey

Excuses

Class boy finally e-mailed me back today, with a "So sorry I've been MIA I've been busy and then other stuff came up." Can we say weak sauce?? My question is, is that a legitimate excuse? Because I feel that it is not. Everyone gets busy, the beauty of text is it takes 2 seconds. I therefore know if he had wanted to he could have gotten back in touch. My question is if the ignoring before was a blow off why contact now? I'm not sure what to do with it, and I'm just interested to see if he keeps in contact in the future. My guess would be no...

I understand the art of blowing off, I have been blown off plenty of times and have done my fair share of it before. My rule for it is this: do not contact at ALL! And to be fair I only blow off after like one date, that is fair game, anything later deserves a bit more care. For instance, my ex wouldn't be leading me on if he had casual convos with me sometimes. Not hearing from someone ever after the actual breakup is just...dumb.

To sum up, new boy is blowing me off (maybe?) and old boy is refusing contact, and here I am stuck in the middle with you!

E-Stalking...

I prefer avoidance to knowledge in some areas, for instance as soon as my ex and I broke up I deactivated my facebook account promptly after removing all pictures of him and him as a friend. I figured that way even if I rejoined sometime I wouldn't have to deal with it later. Today I was weak and decided to sign into facebook, and though I cannot see his profile, I did look through my older wall posts and found him on my wall...saying that he missed me...and though it was from long ago it hurt my heart, and that I was able to see that his new facebook picture didn't include me. I still keep hoping that this was all a bad dream, and the past month or so will get washed away so that I can resume my happy, lucky life.

Though its probably counter-intuitive I can't help but think how easy it was for me to show him who I truly was...not have to cover up my embarrassments or downfalls. Even though this guy from class probably will never get back in touch with me, I know that I wouldn't feel comfy for a long time telling him such personal information, and I doubt that his reaction would be the same as my ex. I know that no one agrees with me, and thinks he's a bad guy, but there was a connection there. Everyone send good vibes my way so that he comes back and continues being the guy that I first met and fell in love with. It's so sad that I can remember all the times we would joke around and laugh hysterically and be silly and realize that toward the end there just wasn't any of that...And I wonder where it went...such a physical hurt it creates. No one likes to think about it, but we are all one bad break up away from that hurt. And it doesn't dissipate easily, nor can someone else make it easy to forget, nor is it easy to even find someone for a while that you want to help you forget. I've gone through this before and it takes a lot out of you...I'm just tired of dealing and being a stronger person. And in my weakness I just keep trying to reach out to him, to make him see the error of his ways, to get him to at least talk to me. I'm ready for my happiness and everything to start going my way! I'm willing my happiness and love toward me, and as stubborn as I am, I know that it will come. And THAT is the end of THAT!

Paper Writing is a Drag...

Sooo one of the consuming thoughts of my weekend has been, how on earth am I going to write this entire paper by Tuesday night, when I have to work on Monday and I have class on Tuesday?? The real answer is that while I don't know at the moment how it will get done, I know it will, cause it always does. However, that has not as of yet stilled the anxiety and the clenching in the pit of my stomach. Furthermore, it doesn't help that I have as of yet not heard at all from boy from class... And to make matters worse I e-mailed him to ask him a question about the paper because I don't know anyone else in the class who I could ask. Honestly, I do have a legit question about the paper, but I also want to see if he would at least respond to that or if he is really and truly ignoring me. The whole problem with that is how much time must pass before an appropriate response? I sent the email something like 25 minutes ago...should I have received a response by now? Or is it more likely that I will not be receiving a response at all? I'm of the thinking that I will not receive one at all, but will welcome being proved wrong! Plus I really do need some help on this paper...Anyone know anything about search and seizures?

Is something stamped on my forehead?

Well there appears to be a trend going on in my life, and unfortunately it's not a very good one...First I will have to give some background on this issue before jumping into my sad trend...

I switched seats in one of my law classes and sat next to a guy I had never met before, and we started chatting which progressed to gchatting. Then I invited him to come over to hang out after class last night, but he said that he had to work until 10 or 11. I sent him my phone number and told him to call after he got done. Well needless to say 11 o'clock came and went with no phone call, text, e-mail or g-chat from him. I figured that at least when I woke up this morning there would be an e-mail explaining that he had gotten off too late or some other b.s., but nope no contact as of today either. Before my friends could stop me I sent him an e-mail this morning asking what had happened to him. That e-mail has as of yet gone unanswered, and I know that it goes directly to his Blackberry...just saying.

The trend that I am therefore picking up is that I am getting stood up rather a lot lately. First by my ex boyfriend at pretty much every turn and now by some random guy who seemed more into it than me. I mean I hadn't even decided if I was interested and apparently it has been decided for me. And honestly should I even want to be in contact with this guy if after the very first time he can't contact me? Cause then I will be repeating the trend of dating the guy who stands me up... I dunno, I will keep you apprised of any updates, but in the meantime, guys can suck it!

Online Dating

Dear Boys of Online Dating,

I have some tips for you.

1. NO pictures with girls. Period. I don't care if its your best friend ever, your sister, whoever. We don't know who she is, ergo we take a pass on you. I mean if you already have some girl hanging on you why do you need to be online dating?

2. We assume your pic is the best pic there is of you, sooo take that into account.

3. Cater your profile somewhat to what you  might have in common with a girl. All boys like sports, war, and history, you do not need to share that. Instead talk about the comedy movies you like or other hobbies that you could share. It's fine to have those interests, but do you want to hear about our love of purses and shopping?

Yeah so though I haven't committed actual money to online dating as of yet, I will say that I am greatly disenchanted. There doesn't seem to be many guys who I would ever consider dating. I guess it is true that if you can't date in person then you have to take to the online "streets." I just figured this would be easier and maybe fun. Being that I'm not really ready to date seriously yet I am fine just surfing around and doing the free trials. I don't think that online dating is for me, but then again real life dating hasn't worked too well either.

XXOO

Your Heartbroken One

My new mac

A little while ago I bought a new Mac laptop, which is my first Mac ever. I was always a PC person because I was used to it, and I knew all the lil secrets and tricks to fix things and what not. My ex however, was a Mac person who thought that they were the obvious choice, and we would always have little jokes back and forth when I would have problems with my PC, and he would joke about it and say I need a Mac. Well after the breakup my computer died and for many reasons I decided that it was time to go for the new choice and get a Mac. And I love this computer, its great and I think I made the right choice. However, its so weird to have it and not be able to tell him about it. And I know that he would be able to show me how to do great stuff with it, and he would be so excited to try it out. I want to tell him that he was right about the Mac, and right about so much else. Even after the breakup its like we have this Mac connection now that he doesn't know about. I guess for a while everything will somehow relate to him, but this time it is legitimate. Though I love my new MacBook I would take him over it any day.

As the dust settles

Well the meeting came and went last night. Despite bringing a friend to witness, my roomate still went off the deep end, calling me names and being unreasonable. It was hard to stay calm but worth it to not stoop to her level. She refused to take any amount of money to leave so I have finally agreed to go. It is not ideal but not living with her will be a welcome relief. Finding a new place is proving difficult and expensive...Oh well!

Now that I am going to be done with the biotch, all I need is my ex to talk to me again and get back together...I've really missed and needed him during this hard time, and it hurts that despite telling him of my rough time he wouldn't respond...I guess my hope isn't dead yet, so I continue to miss him and hope for the best. Somehow I feel that if I can just keep the light shining that he will find his way back home. Keep me in your prayers and I'll do the same!

Positive Things to Come...

Though my breakup still dominates my thoughts, the reason for that is due to another problem that I have been having, which is a psychotic roomate. I could enthrall readers for days with the crazy e-mails that she sends to me, and my calm replies that just send her off more, but that is probably for another day or another blog. My roomate says such hateful things to me via e-mail that she has made me uncomfortable in my own home, and as such she is attempting to bully me out. Tonight after only a month of living together my roomate and I will discuss who will be moving out. I am very nervous and worried about the whole affair and just want it to be done, I don't even want to see her. Reasoning with her is not possible due to her obvious instability. I wish that I were exagerating... Hopefully my stance that I will not leave so that she must go will work, but if not then I will have to uproot and find a new apartment. Though that is not ideal, any way that I can get out of that situation will be for the better. So everyone keep me in their best wishes and prayers and hope that good will triumph over evil and I can go back to the tending of my broken heart. Everyone say it with me - OUT OUT VILE WHORE!!!!

When all else fails...

So what do you do when everything falls down around you? It's bad enough that your heart is broken, but in conjunction with that everything else goes to crap too. In my case I was trying to deal with the whole being dumped situation, the loss of my boy back up, and the general stress of law school and work. But then of course life doesn't care what your plans are, or what you're already dealing with. No, the next huge problem was that my current roomate decided that she no longer wanted to live with me and decided to make my life hell. She has been personally attacking me and now I must either find a new roomate or a new place. Which I just don't have the time for. And in the meantime I have to live with someone who makes my life uncomfortable and has done what she can to belittle me while ignoring that she in fact has some sort of mental instability. I guess this is the story of my life. They say if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger, well I'm not dead, but I'm still not feeling strong enough for this. Hopefully I will come through with flying colors, and in the end I won't be living with bitch-mcgee anymore so there will be an upside. But in the meantime I need as much support and well wishes as I can get!!

Nightmares...

Typically I can't wait to get to sleep at night where I can escape the drama of my actual life. Normally dreams let me live out fantasies and let me do things I could never do when I wake. However, last night I had a dream that contained my worst fears. The dream entailed me talking on the phone to my ex where he went on and on about how he had dated his Mom's friend for a year and how incredible she was etc. etc. From that dream I was able to segue into a real life nightmare where I began to think of my dear sweet boy with other women. Specifically his Mom's friend, "Arianna." You see his mother is actually friends with a much younger girl who is very attractive, and would accompany his family on Mother's Day events and yard sales, and basically anything that his mom was doing. My ex even went to dinner with his Mom, her boyfriend, and Arianna- making it look like I'm sure the perfect double date. So now I am riddled with worry that they are together and I have images that won't go away. Even if he isn't with her specifically, now all I can think about is MY man with someone else- being happy with someone other than me. It makes me sick to think about it and my heart is racing a mile a minute. Yet I can't get the thought out of my brain. So here's to hoping that my ex is single, and is secretly pining away for me and will come to his senses sooner rather than later.

The Lucky Few

Though breakups and heartbreak tends to be a universal concept, there are some people I know who remain unscathed- couples who have been together forever and have never dated anyone else. The small part of me wonders why they got this free pass, while part of me understands that every avenue in life comes with its own challenges. I even am jealous of my few friends who have just never dated or fell in love at all yet, because they don't know what they are missing and can just enjoy their lives because it is the norm. Whoever said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all obviously was never dumped by their love.

Backtracking

Well nobody said breakups were easy. And they also never said that dealing with a breakup while going to law school, working and living in an area without family or close friends was easy either. Now that all my personal distractions are gone I have backtracked some from my sunny outlook on my future. The weather is getting cooler and Fall tends to be my favorite, but knowing that I will be spending it alone has started breaking me down again. So many things I would have liked to do this fall and winter together, and frankly those things just aren't as fun without someone there to marvel with you. And conveniently I keep seeing things that remind me of him- Punkin Ale is coming out by Dogfish Head Beer which he was looking forward to, they are selling t-shirts by a little known artist that he loved at Pac Sun, even the Lol cats conspired against me by referencing the Blues Brothers- one of his favorite movies of all time. And if I'm honest I forwarded these things onto him by e-mail. I know these are things that interest him and its hard to unlearn that- I still want to make him happy and keep him entertained even if that's not what he wants. Yes some part of me does wish that he will get these forwards of things that I remember of him and he will think I'm such a caring thoughtful person that he made a huge mistake. Though I believe we are past that point. I feel pathetic, yet sad all at once. I have become the sort of person that no one can understand, why is it so hard for you to move on? The truthful answer is I don't know, he was horrible in the last month, and being with someone who doesn't want to be with you is madness. But sometimes madness feels like its better than the alternative.

Flying with no Net

After the breakup I was able to get by because there was this hope that we would get back together. Then once the hope died I got by because I had a few guys that I wasn't dating, but kept my interests elsewhere. But now I have decided to eschew the dysfunction and go it completely alone. Sure I could have held onto the hope that something would change in that relationship. And it did hurt to cut all contact with him, because after being dumped he became my new safety net. Yet, I know that I can't get from that relationship what I wanted, so it's time for me to do the hard thing and go things completely alone. Let myself heal from my multiple scars and just enjoy myself. I know that what I want more than anything else is to end up with someone, but I guess right now isn't the right time. Within 3 weeks I have been denied by three different men...wonder if thats some kind of record haha If I can go through all this then so can you. And I have you to watch me to make sure that I don't go back on my promise to end contact with these guys- no matter how hard that is.

Moving On...

One of the realities of life is that to move on from one thing it helps to have something else to go to. Thats why I thought it was perfect that after 3 weeks of being single I was going to meet up for dinner and a movie with a single guy. Let me clarify that this "single guy" was also my ex-boyfriend's former roommate. Because there is the "former" in there they rarely talk. So it definitely wasn't to get back at the ex or make him jealous, though that is a nice bonus. I was all excited to be getting back into the game with a fun, attractive, smart guy. Ohhh how wrong I was. It turns out that it was not a date, and was incredibly awkward. I'm not sure what exactly went on, or what his whole purpose of meeting up with me was, but it definitely was not for any romantic purpose. This loss of possibility hit me like a ton of bricks. Because I had this "date" to look forward to I was able to get myself out of my hole and stop thinking as much about the ex. Being slammed back to reality made me miss the ex as I realized just how hard it is to meet someone who likes you for you. (although obviously the ex no longer feels that way).  It also doesn't help that the one other guy that I have an interest in, is in love with some other girl, that he is kind of dating. Most likely that will end in some sort of embarrassment for me. However, I keep talking with him because if that drops out then I won't have a crush on anyone, and no guys to chat with. And then the loneliness will really rear its ugly head. The moral of this story is that getting a date, or finding an interest in a new guy is only half the battle. I still have a long road ahead to perfectly okay...