Backtracking

Well nobody said breakups were easy. And they also never said that dealing with a breakup while going to law school, working and living in an area without family or close friends was easy either. Now that all my personal distractions are gone I have backtracked some from my sunny outlook on my future. The weather is getting cooler and Fall tends to be my favorite, but knowing that I will be spending it alone has started breaking me down again. So many things I would have liked to do this fall and winter together, and frankly those things just aren't as fun without someone there to marvel with you. And conveniently I keep seeing things that remind me of him- Punkin Ale is coming out by Dogfish Head Beer which he was looking forward to, they are selling t-shirts by a little known artist that he loved at Pac Sun, even the Lol cats conspired against me by referencing the Blues Brothers- one of his favorite movies of all time. And if I'm honest I forwarded these things onto him by e-mail. I know these are things that interest him and its hard to unlearn that- I still want to make him happy and keep him entertained even if that's not what he wants. Yes some part of me does wish that he will get these forwards of things that I remember of him and he will think I'm such a caring thoughtful person that he made a huge mistake. Though I believe we are past that point. I feel pathetic, yet sad all at once. I have become the sort of person that no one can understand, why is it so hard for you to move on? The truthful answer is I don't know, he was horrible in the last month, and being with someone who doesn't want to be with you is madness. But sometimes madness feels like its better than the alternative.